Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
