do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
