No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
