redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
