this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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