I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
