I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
