he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
