Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
