I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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