just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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