and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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