I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
