So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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