i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's like heaven, but drunker
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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