Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
