I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
