i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
