apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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