WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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