Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
