if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
