i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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