I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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