woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
