I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
