i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
