okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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