WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
