Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
