the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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