I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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