Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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