Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
