also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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