Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
