some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
