Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
