i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
