I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
