She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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