I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
