i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
