I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
