I think I won the penis lottery.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
