Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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