My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
