....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I could fuck to npr.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
