no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
