This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
